I sat across from her on the sofa, her eyes were swollen and they looked tired from crying, she threw her hands up in defeat, "I am tired, I have tried my best and it seems it is not good enough. What else am I suppossed to do? Is he not a Christian too, why should I be the one giving up this and that?" She asked. Well, you may never understand what am going through, when you try and try to be a virtuous woman and there are always complaints, I feel so frustrated, but you are a perfect wife!" She concluded totally avoiding any eye contact.
I placed my hand on her shoulder and looked straight into her eyes, am sure my next statement shocked her, "if anyone tells you they are perfect, they are lying to you. If my husband tells you I am perfect, it is just a positive confession. We all have issues and we all having some aspects of ourlives that we are working on" She looked up as if to ask "really?" then she continued talking, "I see how you and your husband relate, you are always smiling, joking and teasing each other, you guys have this wonderful chemistry and he is always willing to help you with everything. I remember the last time I came to your house, he was busy doing laundry upstairs, mine never helps out with anything, rather he complains about what I do not do, the ones I do, I dont do right" she turned towards the window with her face forming into a frown. I got up to sit close to her and started; "It has not always been like that my darling sister, we too have gone through the PROCESS of understanding each other because it is a process, I will share a few things with you if you do not mind" I said as I sat beside her, holding her hand.
My husband and I never used to agree on anything, even the smallest of things; cooking, cleaning, driving just about anything that involved both of us. I was worried and he too was, because we thought we were sure God had led us one to the other. How come we are almost unable to see eye to eye over everything? After a whole year of arguments, strife and quarells, we saw that we were not getting anywhere rather we missed out on quite a number of blessings because of strife. We sat down to agree on what we wanted in our relationship, there was no doubt in either of our minds that we still love ourselves. My huband asked me to list the things that upset me about him, he wrote them down without any interruption, he also mentioned the things that upset him about me and I wrote them down as well. We then categorized them as: communication, interpersonal and organizational.We made up our minds to work out our differences and be willing to make our marriage work.
Under communication we spoke about the following:
Never assume the other party knows what is going on in your mind. Sometimes I expect him to understand and associate things. For example, we both know we are out of laundry detergents and I mention a store is having detergent sale, he should understand that means let us go to that store. He would argue that I did not say it and there was no way he could have guessed what my thought was.
Always communicate change in plan. You mentioned you were going to point A, then circumstances beyond your control necessitated a change to go to point B, do not keep him wondering, text, call or get the message across that things have changed.
Be specific about your expectations. Your husband gets home ahead of you and you expect him to thaw a frozen item, tell him. Dont expect him to know.
Undue comparison, never compare me with your sister, mother any other respected female figure. I am unique, you are married to me and not that person, lets have our own rules in our own home. I told him I will never compare him with Pastor or one of my respected brothers-in-the-Lord from my university days.
We also spoke about respectful utterance, there will be no name calling, if you require me to do you a favour, do communicate it respectfully and appropriately. He mentioned the fact that my words slice him and anytime I criticize him sharply, it affects the way he sees himself.
Interpersonal
=>Be willing to give the other party benefit of doubt
=>We can not all squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom
=>Understand that I was raised differently from you and our backgrounds play a key role in how we react and do things
=>Friends that will not promote our progress have to be dropped
=>Do not force relationships, ideas or plans down my throat
=>We both have to make decisions, our contributions both matter
Organizational
=> Finances
These were some of the things we had to work on and it took some time but it has paid off on the long run. It is never too late to start afresh. Never assume someone else is better than you or perfect. They have their own short comings but have learnt how to navigage the rough waters. It does not matter how your friend portrays her own home, work on yours and make sure you always talk things over with your spouse. If you shut the door of communication, how do you hear what the other party is saying?. There are so many problems that stem from assumption, never assume anything.
Amina looked up and gave me a hug, "I feel much better and I feel empowered to try again". "You are most welcome darling" I responded as I gave her a big hug and said, "failure is not an option, you can do it"... as she got up to leave she had a bashful look, one more thing, she said. "sure what is it?" "one of the reasons why I really loved my husband when we were courting was because he could control himself, he never pressured me for premarital sex, however, these days, I wonder if that is the only thing he thinks about" she giggled. I giggled too and said, "do you want us to talk about that the next time we get together?" "Yesssoooo", she purred. "Sure, we can go over and have coffee at Tim's, make sure you tell your hubby and be ready, we are not going to rush our conversation on how to make you and your man happy!" SEX is an interesting topic...
How come everyone gets smiling and gigly anytime we talk about SEX?
To be continued...
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