Custody and Covenant

Of all the weekly write ups that I put together by the grace of God, the ones that get the most attention are the ones that have to do with In-laws and Sex. Without being a rocket scientist you too can tell that is where a lot of issues lie in marital relationships. I would like to believe that we do not set out as Christians to be a pain in the necks of our mother, son or daughter in-law as the case maybe, but things are just the way they are...

As blurry as it may seem due to sentiments, there is clear demarcation about these kinds of relationships. That is, the mother has her role and so also does the wife hers without either roles intercepting at any point. At the end of the day, when you consider intentions from both ends, they are good and well meaning. Certainly, culture and background play an important role in most marriages, it is sometimes difficult to set boundaries and this leaves the man in a very difficult position.

When a man sets out to get married to a woman, the bible enjoins him to "leave and cleave" Genesis 2:24

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and they shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh".

He is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife, however, in doing this, he is not expected to neglect or abandon them. A man has to have a firm understanding of God's expectation in order to foster peace in his home. For instance, if you are an only child or son, there is likely to be a huge amount of pressure on you in terms of balancing the love for your mother and your wife. As women, both of them have a sense of entitlement to you and rightfully so. However, if care is not taken, both women could become enemies out of jealousy and make your life constantly miserable. You may be forced to choose between these two women and it ought not to be so!

Even when a man is not an only child or son, he is likely to be under pressure especially if he has a close relationship with is mother. She knows how he likes his meal, how he likes his things done and so on. Some mothers have difficulties drawing the line even after the man has been married. As a mother, you have the responsibility of raising your child, in the way of The Lord, a Custodian, so that he turns out well in life. As a custodian of destiny, the mother has a very crucial role to play; laying the right foundation so that the structure built on it would stand. This role spans through out the life of the man and no matter how old a son is, the mother still has the role of sustaining her child's destiny through prayers. Whereas you were an active, visible resource in the life of your child, once he introduces the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with, you have to gradually step back. Does that mean your role ends in his life? No,you can actually refine your role and become a coach instead of a player.

Every good mother wants the very best for their children, the best way to do this is not to be your daughter in-law's rival but to find a way of coaching her to be the best wife so she can enjoy her husband and you, your son. I know of the story of a woman who talks about how her relationship with her mother in-law started on a turbulent note but ended with the woman living her life forever grateful for having such a daughter in- law. This topic is a very challenging one and I do not speak with a tone of finality because each situation is different. Having said that, every mother was once a wife or had a relationship with a man and so on. That tells me that a day will come when your little boy becomes a man, God help you if he is good looking and successful....then that is when you feel nobody can ever be good enough for him. It is easy to criticize and scrutinize other people's children when we think our own children are the best thing that ever happened to the human race.

As a wife, you have a covenant with a man when he "leaves and cleave" to be with you so I do not think it is a license to spite and gloat at your mother in law. When you get married to another woman's son, understand that there will be a level of jealousy if your mother in-law does not possess an understanding of the biblical  injunction of "leave and cleave" because she goes on about how she suffered to raise her son, he is all grown and successful now and a girl has come to take her place. A covenant keeps you loyal, you love what your covenant partner loves (Jonathan and David). As a woman, it is important to set boundaries but not severe the relationship between your husband and his mother, if you do, you are bound to reap what you sow no matter how long it takes. In setting boundaries depending on what culture you are from, you do not say certain things to the face of your mother in- law, rather you set those boundaries through your husband.

Genesis 3:16b "and thy desire shall be to your husband and he shall rule over thee".

While the mother in-law is perceived as overbearing by the wife, the daughter  in-law is perceived as snatching the affection of the son. As a mother in-law, there is no need for an unnecessary sense of entitlement to your son, if you do, it is selfishness. You can not be in the know of every activity and decision your son has to make, that is not your place. Once your son is married, he is responsible for whatever decision he makes, the best you can do for him is to prayerfully counsel him. Your son's wife is not your enemy depending on how you relate with her.

Your mother in- law has weaknesses and may act out towards you due to her own past experience, which are likely bitter. If you are a christian woman, in a covenant with your husband, your loyalty has to be beyond wanting to ruin your mother in- law relationship with her son. Rather, you have to work on having your husband on your side, in a healthy and loving relationship. Once your husband earns your trust and he knows you are not malicious in your intentions, he will assist you in setting healthy boundaries. If he is too weak to set them due to sentiments and likely blackmail from his mum, he will allow you to set those boundaries while backing you up.

Neither the mother in-law nor the daughter in-law can afford to be forceful or adamant in having their way otherwise they will be destroying the man they both love. For all men out there, you are not as weak as you sometimes come across when fail to draw the line between your mother and your wife. Your wife needs to know you respect your mother and she has to do so too, however, your mother needs to know you love and respect your wife as well. Failure to draw the line will continue to cause either your wife or mother to cross the line. Learn to live in peace and enjoy both women by encouraging a cordial relationship between them. Think for a minute about how you would feel if your own sister is tortured by her mother in- law because she is married to a man she loves. Finally, I would like us to end on this note; Romans 12:18 NKJV

"If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men".

It is the beginning of a new week, may great things in righteousness begin in your life and may you experience joy and peace in your home in Jesus name.

Blessings.

I am offended...

Thank God it is Friday! 

Living together will always cause you to rub against the next person, sometimes wrongly. Offences, sometimes intentional other times accidental, how do you handle them? If offences and differences are not handled well, they can constitute the main focus of your relationship and take away the joy of companionship. 

Offences are a given, the Bible buttresses this..."Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come..." Luke 17:1a

It forms the foundation of destruction in most relationships, marital or every other. Having an understanding of how to handle it brings peace. Forgiveness is a hard pill we are enjoined to swallow each time we are offended. Who offends us more than the ones we love and are close to us? 

Corrie ten Boom, a woman who survived the Nazi camp where she lost her father and sister, came face to face with one of the cruel guards who held her at the camp as she shared at one of her meetings. She spoke about the love of God and His ability to  forgive and the guard asked if she could forgive,  she did with hesitance and here is what she said about survivors of that cruel camp and forgiveness, "those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able to return to the outside work and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids". 

Nursing your hurts can make and keep you an invalid, forgive, move on, build your life, humans will always be a problem and they will always be a solution. Rise above your hurts and get a new lease on life!

Smelling the coffee

I used to think a happy marriage is one where you have two people head over heels in love, they respect each other, pleased with what the other party does and if there is any misunderstanding, they settle it like this; "sweetie, I did not like the way you spoke to me in the presence of our friends". Then the other party will respond with "Baby, my bad, I am so sorry if you were offended, forgive me, I love you", then kisses and hugs and making up, they tell each other what a wonderful person he/she is and they live happily ever after...I laugh as I am typing this too, you just have to keep reading watching more movies in the romance genre...

However, the word of God gives us a clear picture of man(human being), his weaknesses and state of mind. When you marry a man/woman, you have to understand the limit to their level of perfection, we are all work in progress. While some wake up to the reality of what is expected from them, others remain 'boys or baby' for ever in their relationship and with that comes, crying, whining and complaints. Once you have agreed to enter into the institution of marriage, you can not remain a freshman or "jambito" forever. Eventhough, you never graduate from the institution of marriage, you are expected to improve your knowledge, acquire more skills as it relates to dwelling with your spouse in love.

You have to find out what love means to your wife and what respect means to your man. A lot of traditional men will tell you, I am educated, I live in the Western world, why do I need to still carry on about respect the old fashion way? Hmm, so true, when you are in Rome, the ideal thing is to behave like Romans, but oftentimes, you can take a boy out of the hood and never be able to take the hood out of the boy. The recipe for that is a thorough understanding of the individual you are dealing with. An example of a 42 year old Yoruba man (I am from the Yoruba tribe in Nigeria) who has just married a 29 year old lady, loves and adores her but after a few months of settling into marriage, he gets irritated that his wife's friends who are way younger than him calls him by name. His wife had told them he does not mind, this causes friction at home. You should know as a woman that what matters is sanity and peace in your home, do the needful. 

Your spouse took you to the notable eateries when courting you, you ate everything from Chinese to Italian, Mamaput, Mediterranean and what have you cuisines. Now he expects you to cook 'owoh, Banga, egusi and edikaikhon soup" please learn how to make or order it to foster peace in your home. You were the complete gentleman who opens the door for your woman when you were courting, you pull the chair for her, push the buggy whenever you went shopping, you were always sweet enough to buy her favourite chocolate but now, you do not remember to do any act of kindness or sweetness...why? "Look at yourself in the mirror you tell her, I will not be a part of this careless living, go and lose some weight" you thrash her self confidence, while claiming that you were only telling her the truth.  Please return to the things that made you the only one he/she loves. 

Re infuse thoughtfulness, kindness, being considerate, generosity and righteousness into our relationship. It was common place in those days to fall in love with a man just because of the anointing upon his life. You may not necessarily know what the future has in stock but your faith could move mountains! While I do not encourage you to go into marriage without solid plans for the future, your faith in God most not become history all because you have to put bread on the table. The same holy brother in fellowship, whose clap during praise will send chills through your spine is now comfortable living in adultery. Everything is excusable on the grounds of business deal...
The size 4 sister who used to sing in the choir is now a size 18, cares about nothing, fasting is difficult, talks carelessly, unwilling to improve herself in any area and whines about everything her husband does. Arts do mirror life, when you see love thriving in the movie, effort is made somehow. 

Romans 14:19 "Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another"

I know you may have questions, concerns do your part first whether man or woman and then tell the rest to God.

Shalom!

Goal Post

For those who are very familiar with sports, you know the importance of the goal post. It usually refers to the physical structure or area of the playing surface where scoring takes place. In most sports, you win when you score a goal in the courts of your opponent. I know what tension builds up in my sitting room when my husband watches a soccer game; from screaming to closing in on the television screen when a goal is about to be scored...hmm! I am sure you are wondering where I am going with this soccer related topic since, I only show interest in soccer for my husband's sake...lol

Regardless of where you live lately, there has been an overwhelming and almost depressing news about sickness most especially cancer, stormy marriages, children acting out, some of them totally living lives that oppose their family values and upbringing. There is a general atmosphere of gloom if you choose to focus only on the things that are not going right. I wonder and ponder over why things are the way they are even in Christian circles; wrong choices, demonstration of ego, pride and greed abound to the detriment of our Christian profession.


I went back into the word of God where there is assurance, consolation and hope, here is what God wants you to know for now, Proverbs 4:23 NLT

"Guard your heart above all else,
 for it determines the course of your life".

When two teams are playing on the field, each one is attempting to score within the goal post of the other. So it is, when pressures, doubts, sin, lack, sickness, barrenness,infidelity, temptation and even depression attempt to score a goal within the post of your heart, you need to stand up and set a watch over your heart, guard it!. What goal is the enemy attempting to score at your post? Your situation defers from the other party, that is why you can not afford to compare notes with anyone rather, you take your notes and instructions from God. Sometimes, the devil will suggest to you that there is nothing worth living for regardless of whatever God has done for you. The enemy allows you to focus on the things that are not working, steals your heart of praise so you convince yourself beyond any doubt that you do not have any reason to praise or live hence, the conclusion to end it all. Depression is a dark, deep hole the enemy digs ahead of you, once you slip into it, it takes the special grace of God to struggle or crawl out of it.

The negative ideas that settle in your mind buttressed by facts about things that are happening should be refused immediately. People are dying, without any doubt, I mean godly and righteous people, yeah, but if it is not yet your time, why must you allow the enemy to waste your strength about what you have no ability to change? No one knows the next person to die, that is why God alone is God! You have to take charge: believe what God says about you, live your life as happily as you can, the things that are yet to come to pass will only come to pass at the appropriate and God ordained moment. Worry causes your faith to dwindle, praise and a heart of gratitude cause you to see things better and be hopeful. The enemy intends to play games with those things that are important to you; promises, prophesies and God's plan and purpose for your life. You have a crucial part to play, be vigilant, attentive and active so that the devil does not score goals in your heart due to carelessness. How many people have destroyed their health because of disappointments in marriages; mental health issues, heart conditions due to stress, cancer due to toxins from bitterness and other health problems that have stemmed from neglect, betrayal and so on?Please do not misunderstand my last statement as trivializing the impact of a broken marriage on one's health. As a matter of fact, I live everyday with a passion to see individuals build godly homes and for those who are single to make sure they lay a solid foundation that will stand the test of time. A broken marriage can weary your heart and destroy your body. Look before you leap!

Whether at work,home or in your community, ensure you put in your best, serve God through the things you do for man. Discover your purpose and fulfill it, eternity beckons to both young and old, but when you prepare and are ready, it will not catch you unawares. Be informed about your health. Do you eat healthy? Are you physically fit? These are ways you can guard your life. So what is my antidote for all these issues? I have none outside the word of God. For anyone to think there is a clear solution that can instantly take care of the things we daily face is to day dream. We can never deny the reality of our situations and circumstances, however, we can choose to live one day at a time in the assurance of God's love and believe in what He has promised us for tomorrow. These indeed are times when the heart of men are failing them...Luke 21:25-28 NKJV

 “And there will be signs in the sun, in the moon, and in the stars; and on the earth distress of nations, with perplexity, the sea and the waves roaring; 26 men’s hearts failing them from fear and the expectation of those things which are coming on the earth, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. 27 Then they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. 28 Now when these things begin to happen, look up and lift up your heads, because your redemption draws near.”

Wise men still choose Jesus! If you read this without the assurance of eternity, that if death comes calling you will be caught off guard, it then follows that you need to prepare to meet your God.Accept that you are a sinner because all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Ask God to forgive you your sins and write your name in the lamb's book of life. Repent,forsake your sins and never go back to them, Jesus reconciled us back to God when He was on the cross. Believe in the work of salvation that Jesus did when he died on the cross and begin to walk in the Word by living your life to please the Lord. If you are born again already, do not walk away from the path of grace.

Just like earthly athletes practice and prepare for each game, they keep fit so that they are able to compete against their opponents, even so are we to keep fit spiritually, physically and emotionally so we are fit to handle whatever comes our way with the Word of God. Tension mounts up on either sides of the court when a goal is about to be scored, that is why you are likely to experience a heavy feeling in your heart, but watch and pray and refuse the enemy entry into your treasure. When you are prepared, you prevent the enemy from scoring within your GOAL POST that is your HEART!

May God's peace guard your heart and have a glorious week ahead!

Shalom.

The Perfect Locator

Singleness subjects you to pressure a lot of times; from well meaning parents, Aunties, Uncles, brethren and even friends. However, that is not enough reason to allow yourself to take a life defining decision in a hurry. As a lady, you wonder where the man would come from, would he match your imagination and be a man of your dreams? Will he be on the same level in terms of your faith, will you have anything in common with him, will he be good looking and caring? As a man, you also look around and see women, in different shape and size, they profess to be born again but a few hours spent in their company leaves you wondering if you will ever find the right person. Will you ever find a woman like the one described in Proverbs 31? Someone who your heart will always trust?

Looking for the right partner always blinds us to the fact that we need to be the right partner. "I want a caring woman, a good cook, a godly and respectful woman", those are good qualities you are looking for, but are you caring as a man, are you helpful and willing to help around the house if you get married today or are you just hoping to find a glorified house help? Is your constant presence at church a bait to get a godly woman? You do not need to be a rocket scientist to know water will always find its level. As a woman do you say; "I want a man who is all made, nice house, cars, and great job". Do you have a good job yourself? What are your qualifications? Is there a need to improve yourself academically? If you are unemployed and seeking a ready made man you are likely to be "purchased" and adorn the ready made house.

I have discovered that you only find the right partner when you are willing to be the right  as well as partner with God. A godly woman can only be discovered by a man who is set to seek the heart of God. There are people who are out to play games, you want a good, christian partner but you still want to enjoy the world...you can hardly serve God and Mammon! Not every man who comes to church is a godly person neither every woman you see in the choir or who serves as an usher. When seeking for a partner, do not allow yourself to be cajoled into the displays and gimmicks. Seek the heart of God and you will find your partner.

I leave you with a scripture that never ceases to amaze me about God's ability to do humanly impossible things...2Kings 6:5-7New International Version

"As one of them was cutting down a tree, the iron axhead fell into the water. "Oh no, my lord!" he cried out. "It was borrowed!" The man of God asked, "Where did it fall?" When he showed him the place, Elisha cut a stick and threw it there, and made the iron float. "Lift it out," he said. Then the man reached out his hand and took it.

Since when did a wood begin to magnetize an iron? Well, that tells you that regardless of your status, location or present state, God is able to match you to the right person.
Whether you are a man or woman, God is the divine GPS(Global Positioning System) He is able to locate the right man or woman, you will be found of the right man and the "right woman will offer to give your cattle drink". Any attempt to go on the journey of searching a soul mate through friend's experience, what you have read will yield a fruitlessness. However, allowing yourself to be led and helped by God will bring you to the place of satisfaction. Any decision that does not give you inner peace, no matter how appealing to the eyes it may be will only lead to danger.

Do not hold any idol in your heart about your specifications (looks, height, physique etc), God sees beyond our posing and pretense. That physical quality you are longing for in a life partner might just be the one thing that will hunt you later. "I love women with curves", "I love a dark skinned man" those are things that will not really count on the long run...ask those who are married. If you marry a man because of his voice, accent, diction or appearance, you will hardly hear the accent once you get married and he is giving you grieve. A woman's curve will no longer appeal to you when your home becomes the extension of hell. May that not be your portion in Jesus name.

When you let go and let God, you can only find the right person who will give you peace and serve God alongside with you in righteousness and holiness. Seek for qualities that will last beyond the wedding day and will sustain your relationship.We have had enough of damaged hearts and souls,do not be a part of evil statistics.

Blessings.

Character Compliments

Compliments....you look lovely, smashing, fantastic, out of this world. Telling a 57 year old woman she looks 25, enhances her self confidence, when a man admires his wife regardless of her age, she is re energized, spurred on to be better in other areas.

Telling a man he looks good in his designer shirt/shoes all the time does no always cut it for him... For most secure men, it takes more than "honey you look sexy" to validate what is inside or who is aiming to be. There comes a time in marriage when what reinforces your love for a man is no longer the flowers, chocolates or perfume but rather his acts of kindness, his initiative, consideration and thoughtfulness, ability to go the extra mile for your convenience.

A man who identifies when you are stretched beyond your limits and steps in to take care of little things, a man who encourages you to be your best, knows your are human and prone to mistakes, failures yet encourages you. It would take more than "you look handsome" to compliment him.

Learn to compliment the strength in your spouse. For the way he handles the children, exemplifying godliness, being hardworking, kindness, love, hospitality, having a mind of his own, providing for the family. If your husband works with his hands, compliment him, if he uses his brains, compliment him. When you make it a habit to always say positive things instead of nagging, you will enjoy him more. For volunteering to be a big brother to the son of a struggling single mother, for assisting an elderly lady with chores like cutting the grace, clearing the snow, for giving money to the widow on your street without suspecting him. Compliment him for being a good companion regardless of how often you argue...

I guess you are wondering how you should compliment a man who does not have anything compliment able about him or his character....look a little closer...everything God made received God's validation of being good. Maybe you are negatively altering your world by not seeing what is good in your man. Start with the minutest appearance of kindness, zoom in on moments when he expects something negative from you. Add thank you to your vocabulary and look out only for positive things in him.

The world runs on seeds, sow what you want to reap! Sow character compliments to your husband and you are bound to touch a chord in his heart.

Beauty, Brains & Blessedness

She woke up early but decided to sleep in, she looked at the time and decided to just take her time and not rush through her day in her usual manner. She has fashioned her routine in such a way that she wakes up, get her maids to assist in preparing her husband's breakfast, set up the place as if a king is coming to dine. She sits with him to make sure he is comfortable and satisfied. Today, her husband is off on a business trip and will not return till late in the evening.

 

One of her male servants, knocked gently on the door, "Madam, shalom", he smiled and bowed. "Shalom, she replied, is anything the matter Asaph"? "Yes, No, emm, yes Maam" he stammered. "Speak freely" she said. "There is an emergency, we all are in grave danger". She sat up in her bed and blinked repeatedly, "What is the matter"? "Master was quite mean to a man who saved us in the field, and the man is a warrior", he added. "Oh, my" she shouted, hurrying out of bed at the same time.

 

By now you probably get the picture, yes, it is the story of Abigail in the bible, the pretty woman who was married to a Fool...

Proverbs 1:7
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction".

 

I have always been fascinated by the story of this beautiful, intelligent and well behaved woman and how she found herself in the house of a world renowned fool. Practically everyone knew how foolish Nabal was, even his servants were aware of the extent of their master's folly. Nevertheless, this woman had a record of being a diligent, submissive woman. Her understanding of her world coupled with her very good manners and initiative made her remarkable.

 

There is no doubt about the fact that Abigail had a difficult,stressful,embarrassing marriage. You ask how I know? If you are married to a man who finds spending money or giving synonymous to aspirating blood from his veins, then you will understand how difficult it must have been to be in the house of plenty and still find the owner or man of the house whining and complaining about everything that goes to someone hungry.

 

Abigail was a very sweet woman, approachable and down to earth, otherwise, her servants would have been too scared to intimate her with the details of what Nabal said and David's looming wrath. She was the kind of Madam that was respected and revered because she had listening ears and made her servants comfortable. She was the kind of Madam who could tell when her servants were downcast and had a kind word for each one of them. Without any doubt, the servants too would have gossipped severally about how Madam could be married to "Oga" (Master) of all people...

Abigail was an extremely smart woman, she could think on her feet, initiative and knew what was right for every occasion. She summoned up courage, prepared what would touch the heart of a hungry and angry man with his men. Have you wondered why she did not consult Nabal about her plan or even let him know what was determined against their household? She knew he was going to mess the whole thing up! She was not focused on how she got into a bad relationship but she lived everyday making the best of it. She did not whine or complain but she spent time, looking her best, improving and increasing her knowledge of God by studying scriptures.

The question that bugs my mind every time I read about Abigail is; how could a woman in a bad situation know what God had on schedule? How could she have lived her life, wrapped in the word of God when her situation was not so pleasant? God deals with our hearts...even if you live in a mansion and conducive environment but your heart is haughty, lifted up you will be far from God. Abigail, a beautiful and pleasant woman who lived in an unpleasant circumstance chose to locate her heart in the word of God. She probably could not allow other women into her life because of the mess and ridicule she would be exposing herself to. Afterall, her husband had warned her about waste, giving things away reduces you, according to rich, foolish Nabal. She decided to hide her heart in the word of God, understand His plan and align herself with destiny. Do not allow your situation to limit you or cause you to digress from fulfilling your purpose in life.

 

Perhaps you have heard that you have to look good, wear make up to enhance your looks. These are all good things to do but if you do not study who your partner is, how you can better live with him, you will only manage to multiply your frustration about living with him. A woman who has emotional intelligence and reads to increase her understanding about her world will successfully navigate through tough times. Abigail, knew the promise God has made unto David, she struck a cord in his heart when she told him not to soil his hands with the blood of Nabal, she was able to discern that her husband would die of natural causes.

 

Abigail was able to prophesy into her own future in her difficult situation because she was well read and she knew how to pacify an fuming warrior. I can only imagine the look and feeling David had when he heard that Nabal had died and quickly too. Increase your knowledge of the word of God for your situation, desist from fighting your own battle, allow God and watch Him win your battle for you without you soiling your hands with blood. Learn at the feet of Jesus  and you will rise to your full height in God! Enhance your beauty, increase your knowledge and constantly be a blessing to all around you. You will only be paving a way to greatness and lasting joy because when you do that, you will be delighting the heart of God.

Blessings!