As blurry as it may seem due to sentiments, there is clear demarcation about these kinds of relationships. That is, the mother has her role and so also does the wife hers without either roles intercepting at any point. At the end of the day, when you consider intentions from both ends, they are good and well meaning. Certainly, culture and background play an important role in most marriages, it is sometimes difficult to set boundaries and this leaves the man in a very difficult position.
When a man sets out to get married to a woman, the bible enjoins him to "leave and cleave" Genesis 2:24
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and they shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh".
He is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife, however, in doing this, he is not expected to neglect or abandon them. A man has to have a firm understanding of God's expectation in order to foster peace in his home. For instance, if you are an only child or son, there is likely to be a huge amount of pressure on you in terms of balancing the love for your mother and your wife. As women, both of them have a sense of entitlement to you and rightfully so. However, if care is not taken, both women could become enemies out of jealousy and make your life constantly miserable. You may be forced to choose between these two women and it ought not to be so!
Even when a man is not an only child or son, he is likely to be under pressure especially if he has a close relationship with is mother. She knows how he likes his meal, how he likes his things done and so on. Some mothers have difficulties drawing the line even after the man has been married. As a mother, you have the responsibility of raising your child, in the way of The Lord, a Custodian, so that he turns out well in life. As a custodian of destiny, the mother has a very crucial role to play; laying the right foundation so that the structure built on it would stand. This role spans through out the life of the man and no matter how old a son is, the mother still has the role of sustaining her child's destiny through prayers. Whereas you were an active, visible resource in the life of your child, once he introduces the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with, you have to gradually step back. Does that mean your role ends in his life? No,you can actually refine your role and become a coach instead of a player.
Every good mother wants the very best for their children, the best way to do this is not to be your daughter in-law's rival but to find a way of coaching her to be the best wife so she can enjoy her husband and you, your son. I know of the story of a woman who talks about how her relationship with her mother in-law started on a turbulent note but ended with the woman living her life forever grateful for having such a daughter in- law. This topic is a very challenging one and I do not speak with a tone of finality because each situation is different. Having said that, every mother was once a wife or had a relationship with a man and so on. That tells me that a day will come when your little boy becomes a man, God help you if he is good looking and successful....then that is when you feel nobody can ever be good enough for him. It is easy to criticize and scrutinize other people's children when we think our own children are the best thing that ever happened to the human race.
As a wife, you have a covenant with a man when he "leaves and cleave" to be with you so I do not think it is a license to spite and gloat at your mother in law. When you get married to another woman's son, understand that there will be a level of jealousy if your mother in-law does not possess an understanding of the biblical injunction of "leave and cleave" because she goes on about how she suffered to raise her son, he is all grown and successful now and a girl has come to take her place. A covenant keeps you loyal, you love what your covenant partner loves (Jonathan and David). As a woman, it is important to set boundaries but not severe the relationship between your husband and his mother, if you do, you are bound to reap what you sow no matter how long it takes. In setting boundaries depending on what culture you are from, you do not say certain things to the face of your mother in- law, rather you set those boundaries through your husband.
Genesis 3:16b "and thy desire shall be to your husband and he shall rule over thee".
While the mother in-law is perceived as overbearing by the wife, the daughter in-law is perceived as snatching the affection of the son. As a mother in-law, there is no need for an unnecessary sense of entitlement to your son, if you do, it is selfishness. You can not be in the know of every activity and decision your son has to make, that is not your place. Once your son is married, he is responsible for whatever decision he makes, the best you can do for him is to prayerfully counsel him. Your son's wife is not your enemy depending on how you relate with her.
Your mother in- law has weaknesses and may act out towards you due to her own past experience, which are likely bitter. If you are a christian woman, in a covenant with your husband, your loyalty has to be beyond wanting to ruin your mother in- law relationship with her son. Rather, you have to work on having your husband on your side, in a healthy and loving relationship. Once your husband earns your trust and he knows you are not malicious in your intentions, he will assist you in setting healthy boundaries. If he is too weak to set them due to sentiments and likely blackmail from his mum, he will allow you to set those boundaries while backing you up.
Neither the mother in-law nor the daughter in-law can afford to be forceful or adamant in having their way otherwise they will be destroying the man they both love. For all men out there, you are not as weak as you sometimes come across when fail to draw the line between your mother and your wife. Your wife needs to know you respect your mother and she has to do so too, however, your mother needs to know you love and respect your wife as well. Failure to draw the line will continue to cause either your wife or mother to cross the line. Learn to live in peace and enjoy both women by encouraging a cordial relationship between them. Think for a minute about how you would feel if your own sister is tortured by her mother in- law because she is married to a man she loves. Finally, I would like us to end on this note; Romans 12:18 NKJV
"If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men".
It is the beginning of a new week, may great things in righteousness begin in your life and may you experience joy and peace in your home in Jesus name.
Blessings.
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